I've been living in an awakened state of consciousness for ten years now.
I thought today was a good day to start telling my story.
In 2008 a shattering of my "illusory self" happened. Of course, I didn't know what this meant at the time. It was confusing and frightening. I felt lonely, without knowing what it was all about, or what this newly discovered sense of being was.
The story started when I'd chosen to end a relationship (which I mistakenly had led to a 1-year marriage) that didn't suit me, and in doing so, I created a seemingly catastrophic chain of events. It resulted in lost friendships, ruined family bonds and broke people's hearts beyond their own capacity for repair.
During the process of my break-up, I had taken a trip to San Francisco to clear my mind and gain the courage to end it all, to do what I was too afraid to do from the start.
I was wondering around a Pier 39 bazar, looking at some handmade dresses when the maker of said dresses asked me, without warning: "So, what is it that brings you here?" Without hesitation, I said to this complete stranger "I'm trying to find the strength to end a relationship, but I don't know how to do it." I don't know what made me say that. I stood there, not being able to speak and wondering why on earth I'd blurted out my life's struggle. I think on a deeper level I felt she'd understand and that she wanted to listen.
"You can do it. You're strong. The Universe is guiding you in the right direction. Trust yourself. I left my marriage years ago too. It was rough, but it was the right thing for me. But it sucked! I'm here to tell you that it's hard but if it's what you want, trust yourself."
I didn't know what to say, I was rather stunned, so I thanked her and bought one of her dresses (which I still have to this day.) As I left, she waived and said "Trust the Universe. You're strong."
Walking back towards Market Square, thoughts were swirling in my mind - what the hell was that? Why did I feel such a connection to this stranger and told her my most profound struggle? What should I do? Am I strong? I don't feel strong...The Universe?? Wait...what...?
I was so confused but also felt a wave of reassurance and comfort. Someone else had gone through the same pain, it made me feel less isolated and a little more connected to the world. It gave me a sense of peace, even for a little while.
I was tired from walking so I sat down on a flight of steps somewhere on Market Street.
When I sat down, a man, with a leather briefcase by his side, was already sitting there. I may have been there for an hour, maybe more, I had no concept of time really. I was trying to find the courage to finally make sense of what I had to do. The time had come where I needed to have a clear answer for myself and everyone involved.
I had reached my final decision and told myself: "Enough. I need to end this." I should have done this years ago, but for so so many reasons I didn't have the strength to do it back then. I inhaled deeply and silently thought: "You're ready to go back now, go put an end to this" and exhaled all of my anxiety, fears, and worries while inhaling strength and courage to face what was waiting for me back home in Sacramento.
The precise moment I exhaled, the man who was sitting next to me this whole time stood up right in front of me, smiled a radiant, approving and loving smile, waved gently goodbye looking at me straight in the eyes and with what I perceived as a warm delight from him, he disappeared into the crowd.
I'll never forget this moment, and sometimes this memory pops in my head at random times...Had I imagined this man? I'm confident I didn't. I swear this happened precisely this way and that he was right there, in the flesh and bone. Or maybe it didn't and he was never there...I may have created this all in my mind, I was super stressed after all...I don't know, and never will, but it doesn't matter.
What matters is, for the first time in my life, I dared to express what I wanted. I found the courage to say out loud my soul's desire. This wasn't meant to hurt anyone. All I wanted was to put an end the pain and suffering I'd created for myself.
What followed next and the series of events that unfolded have been a catalyst to the deepening of my level of consciousness.
The details don't really matter now. It was excruciating and one of the most challenging things I've experienced. What matters is that they resulted in my cracking of the shell of my ego, it was the beginning of my awareness and the first glimpses into the awakening of my consciousness.
After all that, I got on a plane to Greece. That was in 2008. The book I had in my hands was "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I finished it before the flight was over. It accelerated my awakening process and shattered the illusion completely.
The copy of this book, with all my notes, underlines and scribbles, is one of the most prized possessions I have to this day, and it's the first book I recommend to anyone I sense might be at the brink of their own awakening.
One by one the layers of new perspectives in life kept uncovering themselves to me.
Masks started falling off, glass ceilings shattered and the truth of who we are as humans had begun to slowly expose itself to me.
About a year after that I started talking excitedly about this newly discovered truth to anyone that would listen but was almost always met with confusing stares, and curious questions.
It was my turn now to be confused...how can they not see?? This was so crystal clear to me, and I didn't understand...Until years later I finally realised that everyone acts based on their level of awareness.
Everyone is simply in a different depth of consciousness, on their personal level of awareness.
And that is to be respected and accepted, not judged on my end.
So I stopped talking about this and started reading anything I could find on the subject. Social media wasn't what it is now (remember this is 2008-2009), and I had a hard time finding the support I wanted. At least that's what it seemed like to me. I guess I didn't know what to look for.
Only a few people were publicly talking about this at the time, and most of them were told to keep quiet (hey Jim Carrey! You were my BFF then.) So I kept quiet about it too and continued researching, reading, observing everything around me.
My interaction with others was my most significant teacher though, so that's what I focused on and still do. Human connection is the best teacher of presence.
Fast forward 10 years later.
So far I've experienced hands-on the awakening of 4 people in my immediate circle. I've connected with dozens more, and now, I'm training to becoming a Self-Compassion coach with an emphasis on transforming pain after loss and heartbreak into acts of connection, healing, and compassion.
For 10 years I had kept silent about this experience. But now, now it's time to talk about it.
I hope that it may help someone else who's feeling confused, afraid or alone in their own observation of their illusory self.
If you're new to all this, it's normal to feel broken, confused or think that your judgment is completely off and that things don't make sense (but they do! They will!)
It's normal to go through the pain of transformation, the emotional swirl the shift brings, the loss of relationships that don't vibe with you anymore, the shattering of the false sense of self, the fear and the loneliness. It's all supposed to feel this way.
But know this:
You're not alone. There's a whole entire world of awakened creatures, just like you, of people that see the truth behind the veil of the egoic state of mind, waiting for you and everyone else that's ready, with an open heart to join in the expanding, pure energy of our collective humanity.
If you're one that remembers, don't be scared. You'll soon be grateful for everything that's brought you to this moment.
Everything you've ever experienced was paving the way for you to remember.
You're loved and accepted. Everyone actually is. We're all here for you, to guide you into your awareness if that's what you'd like.
If you want to connect, please e-mail me, I'm here to let you know you don't have to go through it alone, but if you do find you'd rather try this on your own, that's totally ok too.
Either way, welcome.
Every single one of us is thrilled you're back home.